Demetri & Annie FTI Parody

Sooo for the Facebook contest, make a blooper reel, parody of a scene from FTI, I thought I would do one to make you laugh. Mine is on the outrageous side and I had tears rolling down my face writing this, but then I have been known to have a weird sense of humour.  Enjoy!  

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There was a loud knock on the front door, and then, it swung open to admit Demetri. The dark haired vampire looked as gorgeous as ever and smiled when he saw Rhianna walking out of the kitchen. His green eyes twinkled with humour, as he took in her little body swallowed up in one of Caleb’s silk shirts.

“Hahahahaha, you do know that’s see through, don’t you?” he laughed softly, as his gaze ran over her, admiring the view. She really was stunning, and he almost did wish he’d had her first, but the thought only lasted for a second. Then, he remembered his friend’s manic mood swings and his moping over the little redhead. He could well do without all of that nonsense.

“Ya, I thought you might come over so I slipped it on so you could see what you missed out on,” Rhianna replied politely. She wasn’t quite sure whether she liked him or not. He was everything Caleb wasn’t, and yet, he was exactly who Caleb had once been. One minute he was being nasty to her, and the next he was being friendly. She just didn’t know how to take him. Today, he seemed friendly enough, if a little out of order eyeing her up like she was a piece of meat.

“Making your mouth water? My bad!” Rhianna said, when he just stood there looking at her. “Caleb and I have been fucking like bunnies and now he’s headed off out with Rafe, if you’re looking for him.”

Demetri raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. Damn, he hadn’t got a piece of the action? He really was losing his touch. Things seemed to have moved on since Caleb’s little temper tantrum with the dogs, too. “I assume we’re not going to war with the dogs, then?” he asked with a smile tugging at his lips. She thought she was all that. He was going to ignore her jibe about the sex stuff.

She bristled slightly, clearly pissed off that he wasn’t drooling over her body, and her eyes flashed before she turned and walked back into the kitchen. “No, you are not going to war with the wolves,” she answered tartly, not liking his derogatory tone. She could really do with another coffee and wished she knew how to use Caleb’s complicated coffee machine.

Demetri followed the redhead into the kitchen and decided he’d try to be on his best behaviour, which meant he wouldn’t try to bend her over the table and.... She was important to Caleb, so he would try to get to know her better. He saw her staring wistfully at the coffee machine and smiled.

“Hmmmm I thought it was blondes who were supposed to be dumb. I take it you don’t know how to use the coffee machine, Red?” he asked, seeing her lavender eyes light up, even as she frowned slightly at his nickname for her.

“Clearly it was built by a man. It has enough useless things attached to it, just like everything else a man builds. Boys and their toys. I take it you can work this thing?” she asked, hopefully. “I’d kill for a mocha, but Caleb needs to feel needed so he hasn’t shown me how to use it yet.” Maybe the obnoxious oaf was good for something. She’d ignore the blonde joke and the asinine nickname but she’d pay him back by flashing some breast.

He smiled slowly. This should get him into her good books. “Grab the milk out the refrigerator,” he told her. “I’ll show you how to use it. It’s not rocket science, even am idiot like you should be able to do it.” He spent the next ten minutes explaining the finer details on how to work the machine and was surprised to find he actually enjoyed seeing the pleasure crossing her face, as she made her very first mocha and sipped at it experimentally.

She really was a rather enchanting little thing. He found himself smiling back at her warmly, feeling oddly pleased that she was smiling because of him, if he kept this up maybe he’d get his leg over after all. Damn was that a natural position to drink coffee, arching a back against the countertop and generous amounts of breast on show? If he looked lower down…

His eyes narrowed, as he looked at her covertly. Was she some kind of witch in disguise? He didn’t like the warm feelings he’d just been experiencing. Bugger had he just… that was unnatural. Women were only good for two things, their luscious bodies and the hot, sweet life’s blood which flowed through their veins. If he started doing shit like this, he’d never get laid again!

Rhianna noticed the abrupt change in the vampire and stifled down a laugh. He had been doing so well up until now. He had almost been human when he was showing her how to make the coffee. Now he had a damp patch and it was all going to be her fault…which it was #fistpump!!!!

“You don’t like me much, do you, Demetri?” she asked quietly and felt him stiffen at her side…well most of him did, the other thing would need some time to recover.

“You’re a ball buster,  Red,” he answered tersely, moving away from her and leaning against the kitchen counter, his glacial green eyes remote as he looked at her. “Caleb seems to like that, fuck knows why, so that means you’ll be around until he gets tired of you. I can tolerate you until then.” He knew his words were blunt and cruel, but that was his nature, and if she was going to be around for a while, then she would just need to get used to it. He hoped he didn’t need to get used to fucking damp patches though.

He saw a flash of uncertainty cross her face, and he actually felt a twinge of remorse, which he dampened down irritably. He was only speaking the truth. Why he should feel bad for doing so was beyond him. His lips tightened, and his eyes narrowed.

“What’s with the look. Red?” he bit out angrily. “You and Caleb haven’t discussed the future? That’s so unlike Caleb. Usually, he’s upfront about most things, except where you’re concerned. He’s far too busy worrying about your feelings than he should be. You make him weak. You make him vulnerable.”

“Actually we spend more time fucking than talking.” Rhianna retorted. “You know what that is, don’t you, Demetri? That’s when you dump your load into a woman as opposed to your pants. Think you had an oops moment there, darlin.”

Demetri’s eyes darkened furiously, and he pushed off the kitchen counter and took a step towards her before he managed to reign it in. “You’ve been around less than two months, and you think you know what’s best for Caleb and how I perform in the bedroom?” he sneered. “Well, I’ve been around for two millennia, Red, and I’ll be around to pick up the pieces after you’re dead and gone. And just to set the record straight, I regularly dump my load exactly in the right place, not that it’s any fucking business of yours, you little tart.”

Demetri’s words struck a chord inside Rhianna, and she tried not to let him see how much his comment had upset her. It had taken her years to find someone she could be a tart with. It was just cruel he was rubbing it in that he’d been one so much longer than she had. It also brought up the unasked question which had been hovering in her mind since she’d found out what Caleb was. What did their future hold?

Right now Caleb said he loved her, and she believed him, but he was ageless and she wasn’t. He would stay forever young, and she would slowly grow old. What would happen when she was no longer young and beautiful? Would Caleb still want her? How could he want to be with an old, wrinkled woman when there would be countless beauties out there just dying to be in his arms and in his bed.

Her coffee was suddenly making her feel nauseous, and she put it down avoiding the dark haired vampire’s all-knowing eyes.

“I’m going to get dressed,” she said, quietly. “I’m assuming you’re perfectly able to entertain yourself until Caleb comes back?” She didn’t wait for his answer. She turned and fled from the kitchen leaving Demetri frowning as he watched her leave.

He had caught a suspicious glint of moisture in her eyes, as she tried to keep her gaze averted from his. Had he upset her enough to make her cry? #fistpump. He’d gotten the witch back for emasculating him. Score for the D. Plus he’d gotten in the whole, you’re gonna grow old bitch. Yeah, he’d rocked it today!

He straightened his tall frame and strode out of the kitchen. He’d catch up with Caleb later. His job was done!