Sunday, 26 February 2012

The Farewell

From time to time I have the urge to write something that just comes to me. It can be a bit frustrating when I want to write ongoing stories and nothing comes out. Instead of fighting the urge I've now decided to surrender to it and just let the words come.

With that in mind here is a short story called The Farewell. It's completely different to my usual writing and something that I started last year when I was feeling a bit low. I didn't think I would go back and finish it but found it tonight and just had to write an end for it.

I'm going to use this section of my blog to post up any random stories which come to me.

Hope you enjoy it.


The Farewell
It was the mailman that woke Drew Lambert. He’d switched off his phone to avoid any annoying calls disturbing him because he’d worked the late shift the night before, but it appeared he wasn’t going to get the sleep he needed on his first day off in over a week. 

The sound of the doorbell pealing was enough to elicit a grumpy curse as he rolled over and reached for his dressing gown lying on the floor beside his bed.

Muttering tiredly under his breath, Drew headed for the door running a hand across his jaw and stifling a yawn. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and now had that rugged look a lot of guys his age seemed to be sporting these days. His growth wasn’t intentional, but more down to the fact he’d been working 16 hour shifts and just hadn’t had time to shave.

“Package,” the mailman said brightly as Drew opened the door to him. He was thrusting the box into his hand and walking away before Drew could even register what he’d said.

Blinking against the morning sunlight, he closed the door and looked down at the box in his hand. The flowing handwriting was most definitely feminine and not one he recognised. It was enough to pique his curiosity.

Heading into the kitchen, Drew put the kettle on to make tea and opened the package. There was no card inside, nothing to say who it was from just a recordable DVD with his name on it and a blue, oval paperweight nestled in the bottom of the box.

His curiosity piqued higher as he took out the paperweight and balanced it in the palm of his hand. It wasn’t big and fit neatly in his large hand almost as if it had been design especially. Shiny and full of many faceted shades of blue, Drew couldn’t help running the pad of his thumb over it. Some objects were just very tactile and the paperweight certainly fit that category.

Yawning loudly and trying to stifle his curiosity long enough to wake up, Drew made himself a cup of tea and headed into his living room to boot up his laptop. The fog of sleep was starting to leave his tired mind and a smile began to curve his lips.

There was only one person he could think of who would send him something blue. Deborah.

He’d met her online about a year ago. One of those nights he’d stumbled into a chat room and struck up a random conversation with the first person who’d looked like they might be fun to chat with.

He wasn’t one to believe in fate usually but it had almost seemed fated that they would meet. He couldn’t believe how easily they’d clicked, how they’d shared the same weird sense of humour and liked pretty much the same things.

It had been a good night of chilling and shooting the breeze with a faceless stranger, so good he had gone back the next night in the hope that Deborah would be there again. And she was.

They’d quickly gone from catching up a few times a week to talking every day and for hours at a time. Their time zones shouldn’t have been compatible but due to Drew’s late night working he almost always managed to wish Deborah a good morning before heading to bed and she would be waiting for him when he woke to start his day.

Their friendship had blossomed into something so deep Drew considered Deborah his best friend even though they’d never met in person. She lived in England and he lived in the US. Neither of them had any spare funds so the likelihood of them ever meeting had always seemed pretty remote.

They’d made do with emails and private messages on Twitter. They’d progressed to sending voice files via email and eventually they had voice Skyped. They’d swapped pictures and laughed at each others old pictures on Facebook. The only thing they’d never done was video conference.

For some unknown reason Debs had always shied away from visual chat. A more suspicious person would have thought that strange but Drew had seen her family interacting with her on Facebook so hadn’t been concerned about her refusal.

He was aware she suffered from low self-esteem even if he couldn’t understand why. In his eyes she was beautiful, funny, intelligent, the most awesome person he’d ever met. How she could doubt herself was beyond him.

Sometimes her moods could be so black he’d worry himself sick. But the very next day she would be back to her usual self and his concern would abate. When she needed space he gave it to her but always let her know he was there for her. And no matter what her mood, if he had need of a friend, Deborah was always instantly there for him.

Drew smiled again as he slotted the DVD into its drawer and loaded up the software to play it. Finances were tough but he’d been doing extra shifts for ages now so he could save up a bit at a time. He hadn’t said anything to Debs because he didn’t want to disappoint her if he couldn’t get the money together, but with this last pay check he had enough saved for a ticket to England and enough to live on while he was there.

He intended to tell her today sometime, so they could plan mutually convenient dates. He hoped she’d be as excited as he was. She’d asked for some space a week ago and said she’d be out of touch for a while so he’d worked every shift he could get while he’d had the opportunity.

It was strange not hearing from Debs for so long. She was always there whenever he wanted to talk. Being tired from work had taken a bit of the loneliness away but Drew had still missed her terribly. He hoped she’d come online today when he emailed his news. He hoped she wanted to meet him in real life the way he so badly wanted to meet her.

The video began to play and Drew settled back to watch it. The opening image formed and his heart plummeted into the pit of his stomach as he stared at the screen.

It was a hospital room or maybe a convalescence room. Whatever it was it was clearly a medical establishment of some kind. And sitting propped up in the bed was Deborah only it wasn’t the Debs he knew from all the pictures he’d seen before.

This Deborah was so pale, so thin and frail it was heartbreaking to look at her.  On her head was a dark blue scarf and her green eyes looked dull and huge in her too thin face. The expression on her face was uncertain and then her chin tilted up and she smiled at the camera.

“Hey, Drew. It’s me, Debs. If you’re watching this then I guess I ran out of time.”

A frown marred her forehead and she swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry honey, I tried to stay as long as I could, I really did but my body let me down. I know this is a huge shock for you and I should have told you but I could never find the right words or the right time and the longer we talked the harder it got. I know that’s a cop out, Drew. I should have been braver but I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Drew leaned forward and hit the pause button on the video. Deborah’s words were echoing on the air, her soft voice full of a plea for understanding. A harsh sound ripped from his throat as the impact of her words crashed over him and understanding dawned.

Deborah was sick! She was not only sick but whatever was wrong with her had won the battle. His Debs was already gone. She was dead!

Another harsh sound ripped from him as he bent over trying to alleviate the sharp ache in his chest where his heart was. This had to be wrong. It couldn’t be right because if it was…then he’d never speak to her again. She’d never be at the end of an email or private message. He’d never hear her voice again.


Tears gathered in Drew’s eyes, welling up fast and overflowing as he stared at the paused image of his Debs. The image told the tale. She looked so sick, so fragile.

Drew began to sob, long wracking sobs as he wrapped his arms around himself and tried to take away the pain, tried to stop his heart from splintering deep within him. This wasn’t fair! He’d just saved up the money to go visit her. He’d had it all planned in his head, what they would do, how they’d sit up all night talking and laughing as they did online.

But he was too late. He’d done his best, worked as hard as he could but it hadn’t been good enough. Deborah was gone.

He didn’t know how long he cried for. His throat ached and the pain remained a hard ache in the wall of his chest, but eventually he sat up again and looked at the screen. With a shaky hand he reached out and pressed the play button.

As the video started up again he felt ashamed because he was angry at Debs. He was angry she hadn’t told him, angry she’d left him. He could have borrowed money from his family so he could’ve gone to her sooner, while she was still alive. If he’d known he would have but she’d kept quiet about her illness. It seemed wrong to be angry with her and yet he felt that anger as well as mind-numbing grief that she was gone.

“It’s okay to be angry with me, Drew.” Deborah’s soft words filled the room. “It’s natural to feel that way, part of the grieving process. Don’t hate yourself for feeling that anger. It will pass as will the grief and I don’t hold it against you.”

The image on the screen blurred as more tears gathered in his eyes, as Deborah forgave him in advance for his feelings. That was so like her. She had a very forgiving nature.

“So, now you know why I never video conferenced with you, Drew. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I just didn’t want you to see me like this. When we first met I‘d been recently diagnosed with cancer. I had hope then that it could be treated and I gave it a good shot but the strain I had was pretty virulent.

But that was only part of the reason I never told you, honey. Part of me was living in denial, pretending that I wasn’t sick and my time wasn’t short. With you, I could just be me, full of hope and laughter. With you I could be alive.”

“Debs.” Drew reached out and touched the screen, the anger slowly seeping away.

“I know that was selfish of me, sweet Drew. I needed so much to be normal with you that I kept quiet about my illness. I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently. Then you would have had the choice of walking away.”

Drew felt angry again and reached to pull the laptop onto his knees, hitting the pause button again as his brow drew down in a scowl.

“Never! I would never have walked away, Deborah,” he ground out into the empty apartment. “Didn’t you know me at all? How could you ever think I would have left you alone when you needed me the most? Dammit, woman are you trying to make me angry spouting this rubbish?”

He expected to hear her reply in the stillness of the room. But that reply would never come. He cursed into the air and tried to stop fresh tears from falling. When he was in control of his emotions once more he pressed the play button again and listened to her voice fill the room.

“You have no idea what you gave to me, honey. In my blackest days you were a shining light always there for me. Some days I was so tired and wanted to give up but I didn’t want to leave you so I fought that bit harder.

I wanted to hear the sound of your laughter, Drew, because it was the sweetest sound in my world. I wanted to talk music with you, to listen to your compositions as you wrote them. I wanted to talk about mundane things of no great importance. I just wanted to spend time with you.

Most of all I wanted to make you happy, honey. I hope I did that and you won’t hate me for leaving you. I know you’ll be sad that I’m gone but I hope you don’t regret knowing me and the time we’ve spent together this last year.

Because I could never regret a moment with you, Drew. You’ve been with me in the best of times and also the worst of times. You’ve been my constant source of strength and I can never thank you adequately for that.”

Deborah paused on the screen as if trying to gather her thoughts. Drew could only stare at her wordlessly, wishing he’d known, wishing for just a few weeks longer so he could have been with her at the end.

“I didn’t know how to say goodbye, Drew,” Deborah finally spoke, her big green eyes filling with tears. “I wanted to take the coward’s way out and you’d just never have heard from me again. But I couldn’t do that to you, not to my wonderful Drew. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and no amount of words will ever be able to express how much you mean to me, how much I love you.”

“And I do love you, Drew Lambert. We may never have met in person but my feelings for you are true. Be happy, my darling. Life is too short as I’ve so rudely discovered. Don’t waste a second of it. Live as if each moment may be your last and find someone to love and who will love you as much as I do.”

Drew watched the tears fall down her pale face and felt his own cheeks become wet again too.

“I did, Debs,” he whispered touching the screen reverently. “I found someone to love only I lost her before I got the chance to tell her.”

“I know, honey.” Deb’s words were like an answer to his and sent a shiver down his spine.

“I know you love me, Drew. I know this is hard for you and right now your world is crumbling around you and you think you’ll never be happy again but you will. One day soon you’ll wake up and be able to look at each new day with hope. Until then I will always be with you, my darling. When you need me, when things feel too hard to bear, hold my paperweight close and I will be there with you to help you through it.”

Drew reached for the paperweight, clutching it in his closed hand as he watched a nurse enter the room and appear in the shot. She murmured something quietly to Deborah who nodded and gave her a faint smile before turning back to the camera.

“It’s time for me to go now, honey. I’m so sorry I have to leave you. If I could stay I would. I love you so much Drew Lambert, more than I have ever loved another soul. I wish we’d had more time.”

Deborah paused and swallowed hard and the nurse spoke gently to her again, moving further into the shot to place a supporting arm around her frail body. It was only then that Drew realised that she must have been in so much pain when making the video and he felt his heart break a little more.

Deborah took another deep breath and then smiled. “Don’t give up on your dreams, honey. Keep composing your music and one day when you’ve made it big you can maybe write a song about a friend you once knew who is no longer with you. Live life to the fullest and seize every moment and make it special, my darling.

It’s funny but now that it comes to it, I can’t find it in my heart to say goodbye to you, Drew, so I will say farewell instead. Who knows what lies beyond this life, maybe one day we will meet again.

Farewell my beautiful Drew. I was blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for everything.”

Drew stared at the dark screen as the video ended. The blackness echoed how his soul felt and seemed to scream the finality of Deborah being gone. He was beyond tears now; lost in a well of shock and grief so deep he didn’t know how he was going to get through it.

In his hand the solid weight pressed down and he loosened his fingers and stared at the warm blue paperweight nestled in his palm. He stroked it reverently and a little of the bleakness eased from his heart. He would get through this because he had his Debs with him, in spirit if not in body.

Drew watched the video many times that day, alternating between crying and smiling. Sometimes he felt so angry, at Deborah, at the situation and then he would feel so lost, missing her terribly and watching the video again just so he could hear her voice and feel close to her.

When he finally slept he found he couldn’t let go of the brightly coloured paperweight, he couldn’t let go of his Debs.


One Year Later

Drew finished up writing the lyrics to the song he’d written for Deborah. He sat in the café sipping his now cold tea feeling a burst of excitement running though him. He’d completed the music a month ago. The lyrics had been harder but now they’d come together in his mind and he knew it was the best thing he’d written yet.

Even better one of the local bands in the area had listened to the musical score and loved it, had asked him to write lyrics for it. Dynastic had a huge online following and despite not having a record contract, they made money out of selling their music online. If they liked the lyrics then this was the first step on the ladder to Drew achieving his dream of being a songwriter. And, as always, he had Debs to thank for it.

It was hard to think that she’d been gone for a year now. He’d always felt her presence close to him even as he worked through the early stages of his grief at losing her. As the months had past and the pain had lessened, he found he hadn’t needed to sleep holding her paperweight close every night or read old messages from her and watch her video.

Her words were true, the pain did ease and in time he’d been able to greet the morning with some hope in his heart. He did still miss their daily conversations online but he’d never been tempted to find another chat partner to take her place. He lost all interest in online life and concentrated on composing in his spare time.

Now it appeared that a new chapter was about to start in his life and he knew that he would never have been where he was today if it hadn’t been for knowing and loving Deborah. She had always encouraged him to follow his dreams and now they were starting to come true because of the song he’d written for her.

“Wow, that’s amazing!”

Drew’s head shot up and he stared at the young woman sitting at the table next to him with a surprised look on his face. She appeared to be a couple of years older than him and the first thing he noticed was her sparkling blue eyes. Wispy black hair framed her heart-shaped face and she had a cute button nose that made him strangely want to lean over and press it.

“Sorry?” His odd impulse appeared to have shorted out his brain and he blinked at the woman wondering what on earth had gotten into him.

Her face transformed into something quite breathtaking when she laughed softly. “The song you were singing quietly to yourself just now. Who’s the artist? I don’t think I’ve heard it before but I really liked it and would love to buy it.”

Song? He’d been singing? Drew realised he must have been singing Deborah’s song as he was finishing it off. And someone wanted to buy it just from his awful rendition of it?

Gathering his wits he managed a brief smile and hoped he didn’t appear to be an idiot. “Sorry about that. Didn’t realise I was singing as I was writing it.”

“May I?” She stood up and brought her coffee over to his table and sat down without waiting for a response. “Wow, that’s even more amazing. You wrote that song? You’re very talented. It’s great. Oh, I’m Belle, by the way. I’ve seen you here quite a bit the last few months.”

Drew wasn’t used to finding himself on the back foot and could only blink in surprise as he watched Belle sip from her coffee mug. He’d never even noticed her in the café before but then he only came in to write his music preferring the static noise around him to help with his creativity.

He’d never once looked at any of the patrons of the place or been curious about them. But Belle obviously had noticed him enough to talk to him. It was a new experience for him to be approached by a total stranger, especially one as pretty as the woman across from him. At a loss for what to do, he fell back on his music.

“It’s for my friend, Debs,” he explained. “She asked me to write something for her and it took me a bit of time. I just finished it today.”

“She’s a lucky lady,” Belle smiled. “I’m sure she’ll be delighted when she hears it.”

Drew frowned and looked down at his cold tea.

“I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?”

He looked back up and met Belle’s earnest gaze forcing himself to shake off the moment of pain as he suddenly remembered that Deborah would never hear what he’d written for her. He smiled.

“No, you didn’t. I was just a little unclear with what I said. Debs passed away a year ago. She set me this goal of writing a song for her to give me something to work towards. It took me a year but I did it. It’s a relief to know that at least one person thinks it’s good enough.”

Belle leaned forward and placed one small hand on top of his. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up painful memories for you. I’ve just seen you around a lot and always wondered what it was you were working so hard on. Today I worked up the courage to talk to you. If I’d known it was something so personal then I wouldn’t have barged in on you like this.”

Drew could see regret in her eyes as well as sympathy. There was something really warm and genuine about Belle and he didn’t want her to feel bad.

“It’s okay. I’m through the worst of it now and am making plans for the future. There’s no need to apologise. In fact, you liking the song has sort of made my day because if you like it then Dynastic should too and they’re interested in buying it from me.”

Belle’s eyes widened as did her smile. “Seriously? Dynastic are interested in the song? That’s mega!!! I love the band and buy all their music. I can just see them releasing your song. They’d be fabulous at it and it would definitely be a hit. Maybe it’d be the song that finally got them a decent contract offer. I’ve read they’ve had a couple recently but the terms were bad for the band so they didn’t accept them.”

Drew signalled the café owner for another tea for himself and a coffee for Belle as he listened to her talk about the band and their music. Her expression was animated and he found himself fascinated as they discussed music over their drinks.

They sat and talked for almost an hour and he found himself reluctant to call a halt to their chat but he was due to meet with the band in an hour and had to head home to get changed.

“Maybe we could have coffee another time when you’re here?” Belle asked with a shy smile as he stood to leave.

“I’d like that,” Drew answered instantly, surprised to find that he really would like to meet with her again. For the first time in a long time he’d enjoyed a woman’s company. Belle was not only pretty but she was funny too with a lively mind. He’d enjoyed their conversation.

She smiled again, her face lighting up. “Maybe you’ll even tell me your name the next time,” she teased making him flush.

“Sorry, I forgot.” His grin was sheepish. “Hi, Belle, I’m Drew.” He held out his hand and she took it in hers.

With twinkling eyes she made a production out of shaking it, impish laughter bubbling out. “Pleased to meet you, Drew, and thank you for my coffee and the chance to hear a little of your song. I hope everything goes well for you.”

With a wave goodbye, Drew left the café with a spring in his step and a pair of deep blue eyes on his mind. As he hurried home to get ready for his meeting he slipped his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a multi-faceted blue paperweight and held it close to his chest.

Things were changing. Hope was on the horizon and new beginnings were out there and his for the taking. Deborah had been the best of friends and there would always be a special place in his heart for her. But she was right, life was for living and opportunities should be taken when they presented themselves.

Tomorrow he would start a new song…which would involve having to go to the café of course.

Rubbing the paperweight gently Drew slid it back into his pocket and ran up the steps onto his front porch, ready to present his song The Farewell to the world. The sun was shining and he had options ahead of him and the dull ache in his heart didn’t feel as bad as it once had.

With a smile he slipped inside turning to glance up at the late afternoon sky, still a hazy shade of blue with white fluffy clouds floating idly by. For the briefest of seconds he thought he heard a soft tinkling laugh but knew he was imagining it because that laughter was now gone from the world. But he took it as a sign and his smile broadened as he turned back inside.

“Thanks Debs.”

The End


  1. what a lovely sad but sweet tale about about love lost even though they never had had a chance to meet in person
    well written as always and very very enjoyable thank you for posting

  2. Beautiful story Jaz. My cheeks are still wet with tears! I'm so thrilled to read a new story from you :)

  3. Wonderful!! But it's really hard to read with tears running down my face. great job :o)

  4. Very touching and beautifully written.

  5. For the briefest of seconds he thought he heard a soft tinkling laugh but knew he was imagining it because that laughter was now gone from the world. But he took it as a sign and his smile broadened as he turned back inside.


  6. Oh jaz! That was beautiful...Such a pleasure to read! You are truly talented ...:)

  7. Great and emotional story.You should definitely write more realistic stories like this because it is refreshing to see you writing outside of your signature non human stories.

  8. i finally had the time to give it the proper time and read.
    it's a nice little thing, very emotional and touching. i loved the ending how he did just was Deb told him to do. she knew him so well. in a way a real shame they never had more time together, but life isn't perfect, right? her video message was so touching, specially how she zeroed in on his feelings.
    maybe one day we read more about drew and see if he really got a happy ending ;-)

  9. Thank You for such a heart felt story. I am very happy that I read it. If this was just a random thought I am so happy that you put it online. Please keep on writing from your heart, that is something that can be felt in all of your stories.