Friday, 31 October 2014

Since you went away...

Since you went away, time has been at a stand still. Oh, I know it's moving. I know that days are passing, but in my heart - time is standing so still, the pain of losing you a raw, open wound pulsing against my soul.

It's hard to believe it has been a month since you left me. I miss you with every breath in my body and my heart aches every time I pause during the day and am forced to acknowledge that you are not here any more.

It's so cruel that life just marches on, that it doesn't care that the world no longer has you in it. I want to rail against that injustice and yet I throw myself into work and studies, and into my online world where I have commitments and expectations on me. Because life must go on they say, but deep inside my soul cries out soundlessly, and I want to scream out loud so the whole world knows my pain.

Last night I cried for you. Last night I said the words that broke my heart all over again, the words that acknowledged the truth I so wished I could deny. As my heart splintered once more, I admitted out aloud...

"Dad is dead. There is nothing I can do to bring him back."

You have left such a huge hole in my life, Dad. I know I will have good days and bad days, and time will finally start again for me and dull the pain I feel. But for now time is at a stand still, and my heart is heavy with sorrow.

I'm not ready to let you go, no matter what I admit out aloud. You are my hero, my protector, my teacher, and the kindest, most loving man in my life. I don't want you to be gone. I wish you were still here with me, making me laugh and filling me with your love.

I know I must let you go though, but not without telling you that I am who I am because of your love, support and protection. Thank you so much for being the most amazing father in the world, and for loving me so unconditionally and always being there for me.

I miss you so much, Dad, and always will.

Your loving daughter.


  1. Jaz I am sitting here in floods of tears but with a heartfelt THANK YOU to you for putting into words the way I feel about losing my Dad too. He passed in 2009 and some days it hurts as if it were yesterday. Thank you so much xx

  2. Brought me to tears as well, so beautiful, so moving, so perfect & I will remember when my Dad passes, as I fear it will not be far away sadly. Thank you for sharing with us. #hugs & love. A

  3. Darling heart, I wish I could give you the peace that only time will bring. He wouldn't want your pain. Love never dies - he lives on in you. Sending positive thoughts, love and hugs x