Shagaya's December 2012 entry

Here I am again. I told myself last time would be the last time but here I am, laying in bed with him again. The sex was great as usual and normally I’ll be sleep like him, but I just can’t seem to drift off. 

Look at him laying there peacefully knocked out. I wish my mind would stop torturing me about breaking my word again. It’s been a month since the last time I was here. I really tried to stick to the no sex until I’m in a committed relationship thing, but there’s just something about him that won’t let me say no. It’s not just the sex that keeps me coming back. Don’t get me wrong, sex with him is awesome, great, wonderful…if it was just for sex I could say no. I have to admit to myself that deep down inside myself, locked away in a vault is the underlying emotion that I love him. 

What else could it be but love? His smile brightens up my day. I love his smile. No one has a smile like him. Thinking about his smile makes me smile. Then there’s his personality. He’s just one of those people that you can tell anything to and know that you’re not being judged for it. He’s smart, street and book, and super creative. What more could you ask for? His downfall is that he’s not looking for a relationship, so I have to stop before he realizes how I feel. 

4am and I’m giving up on sleep. I get out of bed and start getting dressed. 

“What are you doing? Come back to bed,” he says.

“I can’t sleep, so I may as well head on home,” I reply without looking in his direction.

“Renee, come back to bed. I know how to put you to sleep,” he laughingly jokes. Sitting up in bed now the sheet no longer covering his muscular chest and arms. “Look at me, Renee.”

“No, I can’t. I’m trying to find my other sock.”

“You’re sock? Really? Ok,” he says with a knowing smirk.

Thank goodness for the dark because I’m blushing so hard from embarrassment over my lame excuse for not looking at him. I hear the bed moving, knowing he is getting out of it. I figure he’s just putting on some pants and shoes to walk me out. I guessed wrong when his arms wrapped around my waist and he whispers in my ear “Tell me what’s on your mind. Why are you leaving me before the sun comes up?”

“Tariq nothing is on my mind. I just figured I’d go home since I couldn’t sleep. You know I get insomnia sometimes. Besides I need to get home and check on Rock. You know he doesn’t when I stay away from him all night.”

“Rock is a dog, not a person Renee,” he laughs again. “You win this time. Keep your secrets Renee but you know you’ll tell me eventually.”

“I don’t have any secrets Riq and yes Rock is a dog but he is my baby. I have to check on him.”

“Your baby,” he laughs out loud. “You have a 150ilb mastiff, and he’s your baby.”

I can’t help but laugh myself. “Rock is my baby he’s not even 2 yet. You know how he gets when I spend the night out. The last time he destroyed my closet, clothes and shoes all over the place. That’s why you started coming to my place remember.”

“You’re right, I remember Renee. He’s nothing but a big baby, but back to you and your sock. It’s in your shoe where you put them.”

“Oh yea, that’s right. Thanks Riq, I can’t believe I forgot that.” I’m a horrible liar and his reply is another laugh. I finish getting dressed and start to head for the door with Tariq right behind me. I wait for him to disengage the alarm before opening the door. As I reach for the handle he grabs my wrist and pulls me close. Before I can react his lips are on mine and my back is now against the door. 

I’m too shocked to respond at first. I mean we’ve never kissed like this before. This was one of those “I want you” kisses. This was the kind of kiss I’ve only daydreamed sharing with him. My mind snaps back to reality and I start to participate in this kiss before he comes to his senses.

We eventually break apart. My heart is pounding, my stomach is flip flopping like crazy and I’m so horny I want to take me right there by the front door. I look in his eyes and see something there. It’s the same longing I have in my eyes. He suddenly blinks a few times, looks away and clears his throat.

“I’m sorry Renee, I don’t know what just came over me.” He opens the door and starts walking to my car. I can only look at him confused. I pull myself together and start to follow him. I dig through my purse for my keys and unlock the door. He does the gentlemanly thing and opens my door for me. Before I get in and grab his hand before he can move away, and look into his eyes.

“Tariq you don’t have to apologize for kissing me. I know you aren’t looking for a relationship so I’m not going to make anything of it. We’ll just say it was a goodbye kiss and leave it at that.”

He shakes his head yes, and looks away from me. It’s too early in the morning to even have a real conversation about it. So I get in the car, close the door and start the engine. He throws up in fingers next to his ear to signal me to call him when I get home. I nod, back out the driveway and head home.